jayja

Not posted on here for 47 weeks apparently!

2008-05-08T19:16:19Z

I m not sure if anyone i used to talk to still comes here...
it has been 47 weeks and ive managed to mainly ignore bad body feeling...
i figured i'd get through my last year of my degree and then worry about my fat.
In less than a month i will have finished my BA in business and management. 3 exams to go! But believe it or not I want to do a degree in medicine now lol - self punishment never ends (im such a perfectionist).
The really funny thing is that ive hardly put on any weight since i stopped coming on here...
I weigh myself and feel fatter but the scales have stayed the same - strange!
Hello to anyone that I used to talk to - hope you will drop me a line or two to let me know how you are getting on

jaijai xxx

Anorexia? I want to be thin + Youtube account

2007-06-13T12:37:56Z

Hello girlies,

I havent been on for a little while - I have come out of hospital after having Keyhole op done on my knee.

I am still having body issues but I was having a difficult time of late and worrying that I was eating too much ... I know it may sound silly but I still dont think I am anorexic - at one point I know I was Ortherexic and the battle goes on.

http://www.youtube.com/profile?user=JaimeeLauren

Above is my URL to my youtube channel .... And I guess Im asking for your support once again as you have all been so good to me. I feel like I am really putting myself out there and it is scary! But it needs doing and I really think this will be a way of keeping me sane and to be able to get to know you all a little better.

I think you girls may enjoy the fave videos I have put up... I found them interesting, especially the Thin Doc! PS this is a pic of me now - and I will be documenting myself trying to loose 10bls on my account xxx:

Love to you all and I do hope you are all taking care of yourselves xxxxxxxxx

so here is is in writing!

2007-04-22T16:25:42Z

Im fed up of feeling so ugly... i could do so much more with what i have if i wasnt so god dam lazy.... so ive promised myself that things need to change in order for me to be the best I can be..... I know iam not trying hard enough to loose weight and go to the gym and as soon as my exams are over i will have no more excuses....At the end of May after my exams I promise I will:

Loose weight,
get fit,
get hair cut and dyed,
get teeth bleached,
book laser treatment for my skin,
Get eye brows and lashes tinted and waxed,
Full body wax,
Manicure and pedicure,
Tanning,
Facial,
book nose job and ear job,
Consider and book consultation for boob job.

So this is me now:: I think progress will be slow but hopefully the changes will be worth it xxx

Something has to change

2007-03-26T19:56:29Z

Ok so i was looking in the mirror at my naked body and i just don't like what i see. Part of me says it doesn't matter people think im thin - but that isnt good enough, im not looking how i want to.

There is a constant argument in my head - although i was so so ill last year - i liked the way my body looked and now that i am healthy and eating normally my weight has risen - granted you wouldn't think like 10-12bls could make you look that different but it has and i feel myself slowly expanding.

The problem is - i decide to be strict with what i eat... and then the cravings kick in - and i just feel so guilty about all the bread cos last year i couldn't eat any bread cos of my Crohn's disease.... my diet for this illness made me so thin. Dont get me wrong im happy and so grateful to have my life back and do what others take for granted but i still get this guilt that i am getting fatter and fatter each day.

No one understands how i feel cos the only person i can talk to is my bf and he thinks im fine the way i am - but surely what i think matters more.

So i need to make a commitment to my self - loose as much weight as poss with out destroying my life by making me ill again. - this is so scary tho - cos how much is too much - iam not one to do things by halves.

Also my sis is coming to live with me and she has the BMI 17 (this is what i was when i was so ill) (mine is now 19) and she just eats a load of crap - its not fair. I know when she gets here i will feel even worse about the way i look.

So MY COMMITMENT TO MYSELF IS TO LOOSE AS MUCH AS I CAN WITHOUT DESTROYING MY LIFE - i cant go on feeling this guilty and so ive got to be strict with myself. Anyone who wants to make this pact with me let me know. xxx

jayja @ 2007-03-09T05:30:00

2007-03-09T05:29:24Z

Hey ive been up since before 4am - life is ok apart from University stress.
Me and my Boyfriend are back together after a month break - but its nice cos i feel like i still have my own space cos i know i can be independent and i dont have to rely on him all the time. I learnt that while we were apart.

I feel myself getting increasingly scared about the amount of fat on my body. I look at the photos from last year and although i realize im 100 times healthier now - i cant help but think i looked better then.

There seems to be a battle in my head - live and be healthy....but i dont feel i have archived the look i want.... and i dont get it! because celebrities can seemingly live happily and healthy at 90bls and i cant with out being really ill!

Did anyone see (UK) 'The truth about size 0' on Wednesday night?? It will hopefully open some peoples eyes - and i was on the diet last year for 9 months..... but it was given to me by a doctor..... in my opinion although he thought i needed it to recover some from a bowel disease - he should have been monitoring me more closely cos at the 9 month point i was collapsing all over the place. And now i have weight issues cos i know i can drop weight quick.

Hope every1 is well xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

good day but im bit sad

2007-02-28T18:21:10Z

Hey today has been good -

I did some coursework for uni with a friend and went to the gym and did loadsa walking.

My tutor is coming tonight to help me revise finance and my Grandma is cooking me a healthy dinner.

Plus ive eaten healthy all day and yesterday i got my very first 1st!! And in finance - which iam weakest in.

So whats missing?

Chris and i went on a break and this is like our 4 th week - im ready to get back with him and he says we will be fine but now he is 19 hours away on plane. Hes abroad for a week cos he has to go to his brothers wedding and i hardly have any contact with him this week. Dont get me wrong i want him to have a really good time with his family.... but after being together 2 years its weird not to be talking to him and seeing him every day. I think im having Chris withdrawal lol.

Also im in the UK so im missing the Trya show gggggggggrrrrrrrrrrrrr..........

hope you all had a fab day too xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Hellish day!

2007-02-24T20:15:26Z

OMG you wont believe the day ive had. (so i should have been studying for my business degree but:)

i was trying to go on holiday with my friend and we still hadn’t booked it - so today i wake up and i find the perfect holiday - a week in a 4 star hotel with its own beach, spa, bar and breakfast and dinner included. (i knew it was fab cos my other friend had been there).

So it was £339 for a week - flights included and i think this is the perfect price..... we had planned to do self catering and only spend £200 on flights and accommodation but this deal looked better! - so my friend (Louise) sees the website and says 'BOOK IT'- and i do...... the total ends up being about £60 more due to some taxes and holiday insurance so i call and i tell her.

I sense my friend is mad, but i explain that any 20yr old should know that you have to get insurance and pay tax - i tell her (as ive paid for it all and she owes me the £400 that she can pay it back gradually cos she is in full time work).

HOWEVER her mum gets home and hears what has happened and calls me up!!! she is having a go saying Louise doesnt have £400 and i tell her that Louise told me to book it and that she can pay it gradually and that this includes everything on the holiday.

Later - Louise calls up again - spurred on my her controlling bitch of a mother to tell me she cant pay that money.
So im left with this bill for both our holidays (my grandma had warned me about this situation, but i trusted my friend).

So I didn’t even know if i could cancel or if it was refundable or anything - i never thought Louise would let me down - and i was going to offer to pay the £60 charges - since I had not informed her about them but she had already hung up on my by then.

ANYWAY i run home at the speed of light and i manage to cancel the holiday with a charge of £30 cancellation fee! i was so lucky - I mean what if I wasn’t able to cancel it and no-one else was able to come with me - £800 for me is a big blow to the bank account!

i don’t think i should ever trust Louise again and at the moment i don’t even want to be friends with her - and she was meant to be one of my best friends!

So that was my hellish day.

Its been like 5 months

2007-02-24T20:01:42Z

Hey girlies,

its been like 5 months since ive been on here - so much has happened - i have got my health back and i have so much energy.... those that remember me will know i was ill with Crohn's (Bowel disease) and i was give a really strict diet (an anorexics diet) by my doctor to stop the pains.

The diet was too strict and i ended up realizing how good i looked at 105bls - however i was seriously weak and had to drop uni. Im back at uni now and im healthier than i ever though i could be.

There are some issues tho - my eating habbits have gone the other way again and i cant bare to be 9st again cos it was horrible and i felt too big.
In addition my sister is coming to live with us and at 5ft7 and under 8st she always has made me feel inadequate - she looks like a model.

So i guess im back to loose some weight (my sister's BMI is 17.53 and mine is currently 19.17) and try to get a balance. I cant end up at 105bls again cos i was so so ill i thought i might die and i couldn't live a normal life but i do need to find a balance and be really careful doing it cos ive realized every1 is different and some people's bodies cant handle it.

Modelling

2006-10-28T09:52:00Z

Ok so i sent my photo cos i found this site that takes pics of girls ... they are a bit ruder than i hoped, but if you model for them - you dont have to go further than you feel comfortable.
So i sent this photo.

I checked out their websites and it all looks as professional as one could hope with it being a borderline porn site. They pay up to £400 for a shoot and travel expenses.

Well anyhow since this photo was taken i gained like 10bls so im going to have to stop eating all the bread and things.

Breakfast from now on will alternating days: - scrambled eggs and banana OR 100% porridge.
Lunch: Home made Veg soup with small amount of tuna mayo.
Dinner: what ever grandma makes (veg and meat dinner)
In case i get despirate for something tasty: Toast (wholegrain)

Im not into the whole starving thing and i know this will make me drop 10bls cos ive done it before.

jayja @ 2006-10-22T19:24:00

2006-10-22T18:28:33Z

ok so the Hoodia i found was really expensive but ive found some diet pills:
Xtralean
Tonalin with CLA 1000 mg
The Original Natural KLB6 Capsules
Fat Metaboliser Tablets
none are that expencive, has anyone tried any of these?

hiya

2006-10-22T10:10:26Z

so today i woke up with good intentions and had a banana. I have some left over vegy soup form yesterday - made out of pure vegies and some tuna mayo. I m having this for lunch.

Well anyway, i woke up and ate some cake grrrr. well it was my grandads birthday yesterday and it was in the fridge. i guess ill have to be careful the rest of the day.

i am still to affaid to weigh myself after the 10bls weight gain over the last 4 month. i think im 115bls now. Well im back at uni now so the 2 days that im in i wont eat as much cos i'll be busy.

I guess im coming back to pro ana because im lonely.... even tho there are friends i could talk to or meet with ... i dont want to. ive been feeling depressed and wonder if i should go back on prozac. I happy enought today tho and my bf should be over later.

Im trying to find a job. i spent a lot of money on boots yesterday and i cant keep doing this if i dont have a job. The uni work is going ok cos im repeating the year and ive already completed half of it... i was too ill last year with stress.

looking forward to my soup later... its boiled: carrot, potato, sweet potato, celery, tomato. I then belnd it so it is easy to digest. then i add yuna mayo.... i lost tones of weight eating this last time. I also used to eat lots of eggs and fruit and meat .... so im getting back on the waggon today.

ne one want to join me on this diet check it out on my journal
love jai xxxxxxxxxxx

just got home from Singapore + must get back on the waggon

2006-09-30T00:29:13Z

Hello everyone,

god i havent been on here in ages.... basically ive been eating normally for 3-4 months now. Well because i suffer from a bowel disease i was loosing loads of weight cos this doctor gave me a diet. (this diet is on my journal)

And then to help me stick to my diet and keep the bowel pains and the fat at bay i used this website.

Well i have since gained 12bls which takes me to about 117bls i think. and im 5ft 5.

My lowest weight was 106bls but at this time i was suffering with what can only be called a breakdown cos i was soo ill and so stressed with university. I had to drop out of uni and i suffered from Pannic attcaks all the time.

I am so much healthier now and i can now walk reasonable distances and im going back to uni next month which i am scared about.

Its like one in the morning.... ive got jet lag ggggrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr...........

everyone still says i need to gain weight but i look and see fat! it frightens me cos i feel like could just eat and eat and god knows i could end up a size 16..... i am happy when i fit into size 8.

Please guys i need some encouragement. I need to start eating low carb healthy foods again anyway cos of my bowel disease.... i know the first 3 days are the hardest with cravings.

Its good im getting better from my breakdown but its so hard to hear comments like 'your face looks fatter, oh good youve put on weight, you need to gain more'.

well thanks for listening love jai xxxxxxxxx

Hiya

2006-09-14T23:13:45Z

Hello,
OMG i havent been here in so long...
Well chris finished his work placement and ive just been so busy. Ive been stripping at a club and i did some temp office work for a while. Ive also ben applying for job placements for my uni course and my health has been so much better.

So, Chris is a web designer and his family live in Singapore.... his brother is a model in Singapore too. Chris got the job of doing their new website and to our suprise the company paid to fly him to Singapore and i paid for my ticket so here i am!!

So HELLO FROM SINGAPORE

and all is well here.... i ve had a couple of fab days sunbathing by Chris' family pool - i will get some photos!

Chris and i have been to all the local shopping places already inclusding China Town.

Chris is working really hard on his brothers' modelling agency's website- cos they are the ones that flew him out. The have also said that chris can model for them - i think he will do well as his bro has done and chris is taller and thinner than him.

Im hoping to go to the beach this weekend with Chris - its a lovely place called Sentosa - we went there last time too and it was lovely cos there is a little train that will take you to all the beaches on the strip of coast.

Hopefully Chris and i will be going to Bintan in Indonesia - for a weekend as it isnt too expansive.... here we will get to do water skiing, sunbathing and stay in a two star hotel for a couple of nights - that will be great cos it will be just him and i and ive told him he has to leave work and his laptop at home lol.

I also plan to do the night safari which is at the famous Singapore Zoo - i didnt get to do this last time cos i wasnt so well so im looking forward to that.

Today Chris and i went to see his mum (Andi) at a fare she goes to to sell Capis shell candel holders which are beautiful and the hotel was gorgous too.

Tonight chris and i are watching the 'Lion the witch and the wadrobe' on dvd in his bedroom on the laptop - unfortunatly the maid forgot to clean his room tonight but it is just so nice not to have to clean up or wash up after yourself and chris and i are pretty sure that we want this sort of lifestyle if we stay together - i really hope we do.

Ive realised that a good thing for me to do is to create a biography because i would like a diary of my life up until now.... so i will be using my journal for info to put in it.

Here are some photos of me from the strip clup and also i hateworking there now - its getting really hard to urn monet and its so boring.

In addition i think i will be usining this site again cos i have gained 10bls and i am now 117bls. I have not been sticking to my diet at all and my musclemass has increased cos i was soo ill before and now im able to be more physical.... i also have a problem cos i sent these and some other photos to chris; brothers modelling agency here in Singapore even tho im only 5ft5 and i dont think i have what it takes - especially after clubbing with the models the other night - they are so thin and tall. but anyway ill be interested to see if thet like the phtots at all - ill let you know as soon as i know.

love jaimee

Cant sleep - 03:16am

2006-07-26T02:58:22Z

Hello,

i dunno why i cant sleep - prob because i am hungre - even tho i don't fast..... i went to my anxiety management yesterday and it went well i think - the lady i do it with is really nice and we are doing little excersizes to help me relax and stay come and try to get rid of negative self talk. This negative self talk is to do with mostly my education and this stems from a pushy mother - but its also to do with by abition to be be good/ perfect at everything which includes sports.

I just lay here awake wishing i carred out things differently with school and things so that i would have better and more qualifications - i already have all i need and i am at uni but i want to be the best and it drives me mad - im so far away from perfect and i know no-one can ever be perfect but it would'nt hurt to be closer than this.

I had panic attacks every day last wk and was like gasping for breath as i do for days at a time - i was so anxious about everything - i could'nt put my finger on y but i think it is to do with organizing going back to uni after having to derfer cos i was so ill with stress and crohn's disease.
im terrified it will be the same and i will get ill again - i ran myself into the ground - i should have taken sometime off uni cos id been so ill for two years and im terrified it will happen again.

Im stripping again to try and get out of my student overdraft - i dunno if im yet well enough to do this but its the only thing that doesnt give me panic attacks - i know most people would think it was the other way round lol. I was handing out CVs the other day and all i did was panic breath all day and by the time i got home i was a wreck.

My body has been an issue too - especially as two firends i haddent see for about 3wks toldbe i looked healthier cos i gained a bit of weight .... now i knew this was bound to happen cos i was so ill and lost all my musles and i couldnt function i was so weak - but it is hard for me to deal with.... i know im still thin but i can see what they mean - my face does look a little podgier than it did. - it was ironically my mate who is annorexic that said i looked healthier! it was her surprise 21st birthday party last friday - she cried - we knew she would.... it was great and everyone turned up and obviously she didnt touch any of the food not even a bite of birthday cake when her mum said 'mel just one bite' in front of everyone. It was at her place of work - a resturant at Clivden. She thought she was waitressing for a function and we were all there to suprise her - including me who travelled 2 hours. She hates socilaising and would have run straight back out the door given half the chance so this is why her mum did it this way.

I slept at hers cos i live so far away and chris (bf) whent on to Brighton for a piss up with his uni mates.

I spoke to a girl at mels party who i we both used to go to primary school with - Mel is still in touch with them - but ive moved around tones. I know this girl tho - she said mel had lost more weight and she thought this year may finish mel off.... i told her that i had already said to mel that i dont think she will live for another 2 years. Her eyes are shrunken in her head and look dull, she only lookes about 13.... her hair is so dull compared to what it used to be and it hangs limply around her pail, bonie face. Her skin and lips are chapped from the years of starving since she was 7.

Ive decided no-one can help her - it has been going on too long and its too frustrating to try to convince her.... she is always tired and always complaining of being constiphated and shes never in a good mood - she cant even fake a convincing smile and i know it drives everyone else mad as much as it does me. But telling her this wont change a thing so ill keep my mouth shut from now on - to stop myself getting hurt i will have to prepare for the worse - knowing that this illness with almost certainly kill her. She does not want to battel it and i know that now.

Dont get me wrong - imy thiness is important to me and i am slightly obcessed but i would never agree with anyone taking it this far.

Change of subject... after staying at mels i stayed at my other friends - louise' s house (from col). It was nice to see her althought the visit was tained with panic attacks.
I was ment to be being picked up but Chris but i had a phone call ' some things not right, im really ill ive got pains in my stomach'. He went to a&e and was told as i thought that it was proabale food posening - luckily his firends had driven him to Brighton from Basingstoke (where his car was left and where i was nearer to ). I got the train and they picked me up from the station - my poor boy looked ill and sweaty - we could nt get me insured on the car cos it was a sunday so i insisted we stay the night at a travel inn cos he had also only had 3 hours sleep.
The Inn was basic but nice and it was th 1st time we had stayed togeather in a hotel like place. as soon as we went in we made out and it was ncie cos i never have a sexdrive and it really pisses me off. He slept for a bit and then we got something to eat cos the Inn was on a Leasuire parck with resturants and an ice rink. The next day we left at mid day and he was so much better (so it wasnt food posening) we went ice skating but unfortunatly my panic attacks took over and we had to leave. I went to the doctors again but they could not help - i was so frustrated and the only thing that helped was to cry - i didnt wanna take any more pills for athsma, crohns or anxiety/depression i felt like jumping out the window.

Chris was amazing and looked up some relaxation techniques online and he red them to me and he called in sick as well cos the next day i was ment to be going into town to anxiety management and the dentist. I said i wouldnt go cos i was too stressed and i was in such as state and he just hugged me and said he would take me. We sis go and after we walked in Poole park and saw the signets and birds - it was so nice and sunny.

Later we came home to rest and briefly went to visit my firned who has just come home from uni. We went to go trampolining but it had been cancelled gggrrrrrrrr.........

Today that same fiend Hannah is coming over.... ps ive finished Harry Potter so now im on the final book - good cos i dont usually read for pleasuer.

hope everyone is well love jai xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

panuic attacks are destroying me

2006-07-20T11:44:21Z

i have been busy sorting out what im doing with my course and stuff.... i need to find a 40 wk work placement in a business starting next summer - do you know anywhere in Bournemouth/ Southampton or near by?

im stressed ive basically had two dayfulls of constant panic attacks and its driving me mad so im seeing the doctor today. i am so frustrated - i want to be able to get a job and i wanna think about my studies without not being able to breath normally.

Trouble is - even with the tablets im on i cant drive cos i get blury - so if she ups the dose i still wont be able to do a lot.- it will just make me wanna sleep all the time.

Hows things your end? sorry i keep missing you online - ive not had a chance to go on pro ana really either. Chris finishes his work placement at the end of next wk and im so happy cos he will have some holiday to spend with me before we go back to uni.

Im so terrified about my panic attacks making it impossible for me to go back to uni. I cant rationalise in my head that things are ok - i keep saying 'there is nothing to worry about and its fine' but its like my brain wont function propaly.... i see someone now for anxiety management but to be honest i think its making things worse because it makes me think about the panic and why i do it.

also its not just going to uni but - meeting people, driving, even buying stationary that sets me off. ill let you know what i hear from the doctor later.....

jayja @ 2006-07-18T20:37:00

2006-07-18T19:49:36Z

hiya girls its been a while...
its been a really long day and really bad one for eating too - ive eaten so much rubbish i feel quite ill... tomorrow will be better!

I got diagnosed with a bowel disease last year and i have been very ill for two years - then i go really bad anxiety and depression causing extreem dizzy spells and panic attacks.... i had to leave uni mid year - i am to return in oct:

Ive been panic breathing all day cos this morning i went to see the lady in admin for my uni course about what course i will be doing when i return after being off will ill health. I got my grades for the year i didnt complete but the three completed units were 2.1,2.2 and 2.1.... so if i repeat the year i can keep those grades.

So as im staying on my course i need to find a years work placement for next year - in business. Ive been around all the banks finding out about part time jobs in the hope i can get my foot in the door for next year..... i basically had panic attacks all day - even after attending anxiety management 1-1 with a lovely girl called Louise.... she explaines everything but i cant help the panic. Even tho im still on the citalopram for it - i asked my doctor last week if she could lower the dose cos i feel so drowsy and she wrote me a script for it but now i cant even cope on the hight dose i dunno what to do.

The thing is i just want to have a normal life without panic.... i am happy with decisions i made to day so why is this happening - ive tried doing breathing techniques and after a whole day pf doing them my chest was hurting - the only thing that helps is shutting myself away in the calm of my room but i want to get on with mt life!!!

any advice / if anyone else has suffered with this - i would really appreciate comments

love jai xxxxxxxx

hello

2006-07-12T11:33:34Z

its a beautiful day outside and ive had lunch of salad, boiled egg and a little potatoe outside in the sun with my Grandma.
The boyfriends car is playing up as the battery keeps going flat and its a bit worrying ggggggggggrrrrrrrrrrrrrr - pluys he was going to pick me up and take me to work - dancing at the club..... i dont want to be late.

This afternoon i have my second physio appointment for my knee and i am pleased to say i think the excersizes are helping. Next month i am starting gymnastics. Trampolining is going really well and iam learning some more complex moves and im enjoying it again.

My period hasnt come this month and its not cos ive lost weight cos ive actually gained a bit. I have been really busy maybe that is why but this has never happened before - and im deffo not preggers cos i have no sex drive lol.

Ive been preping myself for work - seriously it takes so long to get looking nearly good enough to work as a stripper..... with: hair, nails, tan, eye brows, make up, shaving and hair removal oooooooooooohhhhhhhhh - you spend half the money you make on bloody making yourself look half decent. And there is still always that beautiful skinny girl with naturally straight hair and an amazing tan - and she freely admits she never wears make up cos she doesnt know how to put it on GOD!!! Not to mention she can wear the highest heels that look fab cos she doesnt have a dogy knee like me. - - well if we are getting to the nitty gritty - she doesnt have Crohns disease or athsma either and she has loads a dimond jewlery ggggggggrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. ok enough!

NE way i saw the anxiety management lady and the doctor says i can lower my medication dose so i dont feel so stoned all the time which is all good news. So all i have to worry about is urning enough money for that GUESS watch yuuum!

hope everyone is well - i feel like im expanding cos with all this activitiy im growing muscle mass and i havent been nearly strict enough with my eating - im trying harder NOW!!! love you all love jai xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

glad to be back xxx

2006-07-10T12:08:12Z

Hey girlies!!!

im at home for the 1st time in 4 weeks.... ive been staying at Chris' and this morning we were coming to mine when the car battery was flat... we managed to borrow a charger and it took a while of revving to get the car to stop cutting out but we got there.

Today im just trying to sort out bits and pieces as i had quite a bit of post. Im going for my Lazer hair removal patch test tomorrow and to anxiety management session with a lady called Louise.

Im dancing on Wednesday and Saturday and although i have'nt gained much wight while i was away i would still like to loose some.

Today im buying a blender and a whole bung of fruit and veg from asda to kick start my healthy diet again. Im going to use Jordan's juicing idea and also eat some protien and porridge each day.

To be honest dancing isnt really about looks - its about convincing guys to pay for dances from you rather than from other girls - as some of the dancers are minging and cant even move to the music lol.

Hopefully, this week i will ern more than last week but iam working Wednesday which is really dead! Sat should be ok tho. I just worry about my health cos of the smoke - all the customers and most of the dancers smoke so much - my lungs feel like they are gonna die gggrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr................. bring on the smoking ban - no offence.

hope everyone is ok love jai xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Excitement on a Sunday lol

2006-07-09T18:18:16Z

hiya Princesses,

Got woken up earlier theis morning but my friend Helen - she is the one i went on the boat with. (she is sitting helping me write this.)
She is staying tonight cos she has to do mentoring at our uni tomorrow and her actual home is in Brighton.
I worked again on Friday at the strip club and it was tiring - but at least i urned £88 this time .... hope it will be better next week as im working on Wednesday and Saturday. - i want to save up for the pink pebble phone which is £109 - i hopefully will have that by the end of the week.

Helen and Chris (bf) are watching the football... boring. Yesterday Chris and i went with his friends to the cinema and the whole lot of us went to watch Pirates of the Carabian 2 - dressed as Pirates. It was ok but i was so tired after working nights, and Chris wanted me and him to go out for drinks with his friends but now that i work at a club that just feels like work - i wanted to go home and cuddle him in bed. He was mad cos i didnt want him to go out. And this morning when Helen arrived he bearly spoke. We have sort of mad up a bit now but he hasnt forgiven me for kissing someone while i was away near Henely last week!

Yesterday i also when shopping and i bought a maids uniform for work - the URL for my works website is: http://www.fantasypalaceuk.com/

I chose this picture out of a few of myself that the DJ took. I thought i look quite snobby and that is kind of how i am so it is perfect lol!!!

It is hard work at the club especially since i have been so ill for the last couple of years. My body aches and my lungs are under strain with the smoke - but i will give it a go and if it all gets too much i'll quit!

I'll pose some pics of me on the boat on the River Thames ... when i was on holiday a few days ago as soon as i can ... i have missed you all and as soon as im not so busy i will have to comitt a lot more. My healthy diet has gone down the pan and i dont want to weigh myself - i have however been so much more active and my muscles are a lot stronger too.

love jai xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I am the one at the bottom (Jade is my stage name!) here is the pic on the site:

its been a while

2006-07-07T13:45:34Z

So much has happened since i was last on.
I went to visit my friends near Henely. The 1st one was ma annorexic friend mel - i stayed with her for 2 nights and i have to say it was interesting .... she was so stressed about everything and she was being slightly anoying but she knew it. She is giving herself a rought time like i did and i keep telling her go b ack to the doctors cos she clearly has anxitey like me - but she wont. Ive heard from her since and she is also returning to trampolining and trying to get everything back on track and i hope so.

Next i went to say with my friend from college in Marlow - i have to say i spent a lot of time on trians this week lol . It was great fun - we went out every night to the pub - i hadnt been out since before i got ill with anxiety so i was so pleased to get my confidence back. We had a blast and got a few blokes to buy us drinks .... i cheated on my bf - it was just a snog and i told him straigt away - obviously he is still not happy about it but i think we are ok.

Finally i went to sleep on a boat with my friend Helen - we met at uni but shes from Brighton. We met in Reading - i had to wait in the staion for 2.5 hours ggggggggggggrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr............... and her dad and mum had rended the boat. We got going and it was really sunny just like it had been the whole week... i got to tie the boat up and on the second day i got to drive and i was really good at it lol. My bunk was at the top and it was 3 quaters of the length of my body lol it was a tight squise so the second night i slept on the couch.

I spent loads of money goinbg p0ut with louise and on some clothes. Ive got fake nails on and they look nice but it is so hard to type. Anyway, the 3rd day we were on the boat it was raining and Helen woke up and said she'd had enough. I was really suprised asd we were ment to stay another 2 nights but i had done all i wanted to do. So9 w dragged our bags to the trai staion and came home. My bf was surprised that i was back so soon. Ne way on the way back on the train i was listening to my bf ipod and i thyought why dont i try and go back to stripping. My health is much better anhd i though i need the money too.l I got home anhd fgound the phone number for Fantisy Palace in Bournemouth... i called and had the audition on that night. the next day i started work - only two nights a week cos they know about my health.

Last night it as really quiret and i onluy made £30 but im working again tonigt and its ment to be buzy. Im tired but tyhe girls were really nice... custoers are a pain as usual.

I missed you all loads

love jai xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

My break & relationship

2006-06-25T16:43:19Z

HIYA PRINCESSES!!

hope everyone is ok today,

I have arranged with mel (my anorexic friend) to stay at hers for two nights and then stay with louise (my friend from col) for two nights aswell - this is all before i meet up this Helen at Henley and go on the Long boat. I leave for mels on wednesday morning on the train. (it takes 2.5hours)

Now the only problem is what clothes to take lol. I have so many but we will obviously only have limited space on the boat! aaaaaahhhhhhhhh lol Helen is worried about how much i will bring.

Im taking my own sleeping bag and pillow tho so im taking my bigger bag heheh. and im taking my new belt, skinny jeans and pretty skirts. i bought some new longer denim shorts for the occation as they wont need washing hopefully.... im sure i can was some items at louise's house but i will be with out a machine for a week.

We will be starting the boat trip in Henley and moving around to some little towns and things - having pub lunches etc - it sounds really nice and im so glad i will be seeing mel and louise.

Chris (bf) is a bit upset im going but he wants me to spend time with friends now that i am well enough. Louise says she will take me to Maidenhead and to the cinema. Its quite cool cos like me - mel and louise drive so they can pick me up from train stations. Im so excited!!! chris is going to drop me off at the Bournemouth train station before he goes to work on wedensday and mel is picking me up at Burnham station. Sorry i will miss you grandma but please phone me as soon as you get back.

Im going to buy some animal food tomorrow as chris said he would take me. He is currently at the pub in Bournemouth with the boys watching the football and Grandad is at the club doiong the same (i live with grandparents but grandma is visiting my mum in France for a week).

Yesterday Chris and i cooked us and Grandad roast veg and potatoes - we bought a ready cooked chicken form Asda... it was lovely. The two days before that i cooked mince with boiled veg all mixed with tomatos for Grandad and Chris. I dont exactly feel healthy lately with what i have been eating - the last few days have been a binge fest and my crohn's disease will flaire if i dont get it under control... not to mention my fat aahhh..

Ive just been speaking to mum sis - the one who is a prettier version of me and it has kinda made me feel low... she is single and healthy - dont get me wrong my bf is cute and loving and i adore him but since i was 16 (my actual birthday) i have been taken. My first relationship ended after 4 years, a week later and i was with chris - ive been with him 1.5years. I dont feel ive ever had the thrill for very long. My sis was telling me a about this gorgous guy she met and hes cute, smart, well off etc. Chris is all of those things too but there arent any fire works - especially as ive had not sex drive for 3 years due to my crohn's disease and anxiety.

I mentioned the other day about how pretty my sis is and how she is heathy and out all the time - with my illnesses i have to worry about things all the time - they hold me back and i hate it - i just wanna be norma. (im talking about the crohns, anxiety/depression and lung problem) (im not anorexic im ortherexic - obsessed with eating heathy due to the crohn's.. a bowel disease)). PS dont get me wrong i know ive got it good compared to others xx

thanks for listening love jai xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Going on holiday

2006-06-24T16:57:13Z

hiya everyone,

im off on wednesday to stay with my anorexic friend for two nights and then im staying with another friend for two nights and then im staying for a week on a long boat with a friend and her parents.

Im travelling for two hours on the train to get there - it is where i used to go to collage. I dont think comp access will be possible at all while i am away.

I am excited to see my friends - but i know i will have to be careful not to pack much cos there wont be enought space on the boat but i also need enought clothes for the 2weeks ahhhh dilema lol.

gd i will have so much to update by the time i get back - i might have to hand right a diary and type it up when i get home. Also chicklou from pro ana is going on holiday for two weeks aswell and we have become great friends - we are meeting in leeds at the end of the month hopefully but it will be wird not speaking to her every day.

Leeds is like 7 hours away from me but im going up to see my family near by anyway!.

Today i had a nice time on the beach but as we didnt get up till 11 - which is so odd for me we have come home to have dinner with grandad (as i live with him and grandma) cos grandma is in france for the week visiting my mum and my little half sister. Its all very complex lol.

Mel my anorexic friend wants me to email my user name to this site cos she wants to read my journal - so ill do that now ... ps HIYA MEL if you read this LOVE YOU XXXXX

By all ill post again before i go visit mel and stay on the boat

love and hugs love jai xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

sex drive

2006-06-23T16:25:57Z

hey guys hope all is well, im doing ok today.

I was wondering if anyone else has this really anoying problem.... i havent had a sex drive for like 3 years! im only 21 and i have been with two boyfirneds in that time. currently im with chris who is wonderful and he would love to have sex as often as poss but at the same time he doesnt pressuer me and says he will wait for my drive to come back. I have been going out with him 1yr 5 months and we have slept together onloy about 50times since then.

I spoke to the doctor cos im on so many pills for anxitey/depression, crohns disease and athsma. She said i may need councelling for it. Now i know disease (like crohns) and taking lots of medication as well as anxiety and depression can cause low sex drive - but im in my bloody prime and i should be loving it.... i wanna make my bf happy and i wanna have fun too ggggggggggrrrrrrrrrrrr..........

Any ideas of how i can get my sex drive to rise apart from trying to chill lol love jai xxxxxxxxxxxxx

One week

2006-06-23T10:29:42Z

Hi hope everyone is well,
im ok and had a nice couple of days.... last night i was a bit tearful but it may have just been because i was tried.

So - im going to be staying on a long boat with a friend from uni on the 2nd july (just over a week). Her parents will be there cos they hired the boat and we will be starting in Henely at the Regatta and then we willbe doing a bit of sight seeing.

Henely is 2.5hours from where i live and it just happens to be the place i went to college so i plan on going down a couple of days early to stay with a friend and try and get some old college pals together for a reunion! I havent see these people for over 2 years! and so much as changed ... my lung problem developed i also developed crohns disease .... i have lost a lot of weight too.
I have had to defer the year from uni cos i was so ill too.

I dont know what to think. Seeing them will be ok i think and even if my last few years have been totally depressing im sure i can handel listening to what they have been up to even if i get a little jellious that i have only been bed ridden for a few months.

I am still trying to combat extreem anxiety - a moderate mental illness - it makes me dizzy often and gives me pannic attacks and makes me exausted - i am on medication but it doesnt cover all the anxiety. i just wanna have a normal life and have things go back to the way they were. I wanna be excited about seeing friends and going back to uni. But im scared i'll end up in the state i was a few months back - it ment me dropping out of uni and basically lying around the house all the time. I know its cos i push myself too much - i want so much to be achived and i cant cope with it all - but now all i want is to be normal and not pannic about everything even getting on the bus.

I prey - even tho i dunno if i believe in god - i prey he will make the crohns disease and my damaged lung better and then maybe i wouldnt have the anxiety..... i hope it gets better with time and thats all i can do.

Ive got to get my confidence back - i know if i am positive things will get better!
love to all of you who are struggling too, ill prey for you too xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

The price you pay

2006-06-23T10:12:42Z

You never know, that girl you idolise/ wanna be - may have cancer/some incurable disease that will show itself in a few months or years to come. You would never be able to tell by looking at her.

By having someone you know, that is thin it is motivating you to loose weight.... my sister is like a much prettier version of myself - she is 2 inches taller, Her hair is much straighter, Her boobs are much bigger and she is so thin... also i have Crohns diesease and a damaged lung which restrict my life in many ways. I am jellious of her in many ways but despite this i have the boyfriend of my dreams and she just gets drunk and sleeps around a bit. I have noticed that so far i have go better exam results than her and i have better common sence too. - so not is all perfect that seems perfect. I know for a fact she cannot be as happy as me ... she has to live with my step dad while my mum is in France and she is miles from family wheres i moved in with grandparents and i know ive been happier since i did at 14.

I of course, would never wish someone to have those illnesses especailly after being so ill myself... all im saying is you dont know what the future holds for any of us. The people we think are so lucky today may be hit by a car tomorrow and we will be glad we are us and not in their shoes.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx be happy and remeber that althought lots of people have it better than you ... you have it so much better than others eg disabled and ill people (they feel mor helpless than you) xxxx

Please watch the mini documentories on this site - it is really interesting (about Anorexia and Bulimia):

http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/nova/thin/